I’m sitting here with hands on both sides of my black armchair this morning. The one with the fluffy arms and seat. Staring straight ahead at the oversize white-faced Grandfather clock sitting at the side of the fireplace. I know time is passing since I see sunlight starting to burst through the drapes on the sides but the clock doesn’t seem to be moving. Neither do I.
I can’t think anymore. I’ve even lost that. All I can do is stare straight ahead. My eyes feel moist at the corners with droplets of tears. I raise my shoulder close to my eyes and grab a piece of shirt to wipe them dry. Every time I start to think about what happened, that’s what they seem to do.
Last night my sister, Sarah, called me on the phone at 1:00 in the morning. She never calls me late at night. I go over and over in my mind , what’s left of it; that is. I hope somehow by going over it and over it again and again it will somehow not be true.
“Ben, Dad just died of a massive heart attack. The ambulance rushed him to the hospital but it was just too late. I’m sorry little brother, our daddy is gone.” I broke done crying on the phone like a little kid. I know grown men aren’t supposed to cry, but do you mind telling me why? I couldn’t stop crying.
Why? ………… Why did this have to happen? I just talked to dad on the phone yesterday and we were making plans to go up north on our annual fishing trip to Minnesota. He was getting his camper all ready and I had just gone down to Hanks to pick out a few new fishing poles.
I’m sitting here all alone in this house. I’m sitting here all alone in this world! I never got married. I have no kids or family to speak of outside of Sarah and her husband and kids. Mom died a few years ago and Dad was all I had left. I have friends at work, but they’re not what I consider true friends. More like acquaintances that I have to deal with.
I sure am going to miss you Dad. Tell me it isn’t true. You can’t be gone. You are my best buddy… I mean were my best buddy. It just isn’t possible Dad and I refuse to believe it.
The tears start up again and the clock still isn’t moving and neither am I. I’m not sure if I ever will! I am not sure I can go on in this life without my daddy.